Listeria Hysteria

According to Wikipedia and the thousands of brochures stuffed in my hand from both GP and Obstetrician, Listeria is a bacteria that causes all sorts of horrible things including the biggie that no pregnant woman (Glowing or otherwise) wants to hear, miscarriage.

So to avoid contact with this contemptible little sucker there is a list of foods to avoid. Sorry did I say list? I meant epic novel only a few pages short of Tolkien's Ring Trilogy. Now some of the foods on the list are not hard to avoid, things like raw seafood and raw eggs – that stuff just doesn't turn up in a meal without you knowing, but some of the others are sneaky little buggers that just make lunch time in a food court as annoying as finally finding a parking spot only to see that some bonehead has parked their motorcycle in it. These foods are the Listeria Ninjas, lurking where you least expect them.

Lets wander in to the food court and see what's to eat, shall we? OK so the awesome curry at the Indian place and the fried rice at the Chinese place are out because its highly doubtful the food temperature is above 37C (Listeria's magic number). Actually that's gonna take out most of the places in even the better food courts, so I'm already screwed. Maybe something a little healthier? Like a salad perhaps? Um No. Any pre-prepared salads are a big no-no because even in a fridge, Listeria can grow. Salad leaves have to be kept under 4C which makes for some very chilly and black lettuce. Everything has to be washed immediately before eating. I'm worried that if I went up to the counter saying “How cold is your fridge? Could you re-wash that please?” I'd end up with a special sauce of saliva on my meal – can you catch Listeria from spit? And before you suggest I take a sandwich or salad myself I'd have to find somewhere to re-wash it all before eating it. Mmm soggy just washed sandwich, my favourite.

So the Ninjas are also lurking in other foods; ham, salami, cold chicken, smoked seafood (who knew smoking was bad for seafood too?), raw vegetables, soft cheeses like Brie and Camembert and worst of all... soft serve ice-cream! Nooo! Say it isn't so! I'm confident that the McDonald's near my house is experiencing a drop in ice-cream related revenue thanks to my delicate condition.

The only option left is chips from the standard junk food establishments. And people wonder why pregnant women get so fat. Eating for two? Not really, just only allowed chips. Hail to the deep fryer – the killer of Listeria.