An A-Z of Pregnancy Part III

Touching Belly Etiquette – Pregnant women are public property. No longer is there a bubble of personal space surrounding me with any touching done on the upper arm as per cultural conventions. Its all belly touching and rubbing like I'm a Buddha statue at a Lotto kiosk. So far I haven't had any strangers come up and just grope me, although they've told me their life stories (see J), but friends have told me horror stories of being at the local Woolies and being harassed by elderly ladies who just can't seem to control themselves around a swollen tum. I'm not too sure what I'd do in the situation, other than probably put my own hands protectively over my belly so that theirs couldn't fit on... or I could just snarl and bark at them – I'm sure they'd run away quick as a flash.

Umbilicus – Am I allowed to request an 'inny' or an 'outie' belly button for Tricky? Hubby has the best of both worlds with a 'flattie' due to being born with an umbilicus hernia that needed surgery. I have an inny at the moment – the deepest inny you have ever seen. In the past few weeks a laparoscopic surgery scar that was hidden far inside my belly button has become visible. When my belly button pops it is highly likely that someone could lose an eye. You've been warned.

Vitamins – Folate this, iron that. Women have done this for thousands of years and their babies have turned out fine – yet I have a shelf that closely resembles a pharmacy and rattle when I walk due to all the multivitamins and supplements that we all simply must take. A pre-natal for at least three months before falling pregnant or you're irresponsible; an ante-natal during pregnancy to make sure bub develops as healthily as possibly and hopefully makes up for all the champers you drunk before finding out; fish oil for brain development and also to keep those ugly (read completely natural) stretch marks at bay; and then an iron supplement because the baby is stealing all yours and leaving you tired.

Waddle – Life as a duck is approaching. My bump is getting bigger now and soon I will start to waddle when I walk. Its a strange hip swinging movement half due to the size and placement of the massive tum, and half because of the loosening of all the ligaments in your hips to accommodate the impending birth. This is another reason why I don't fall for the “pregnant women are the sexiest thing on earth” concept – “waddle over here, baby, yeah!”

Xrays – Do you remember the posters at the Xray places that have a cartoon of a baby in a uterus with the little speech bubble saying “Mum, don't forget to tell them I'm here”? Thats exactly how I imagine Tricky. All cute and completely human looking, swimming around in a giant circle with an umbilical cord for modesty. When he comes out and is all squished, covered in crap with a conehead, I might ask for a refund.

Yoga – I've been looking in to ante-natal yoga classes after hearing so many women sing their praises. And as long as I don't have to wear lycra, I think I'm going to join up. With the pictures of birth positions I've seen, a bit of limbering up should do me the world of good. Plus I'd totally win the next game of Twister.

Zzzzz – Everyone with kids keeps reminding me how much sleep I won't be getting pretty soon. I wish there was a way that I could build up a sleep 'account' now and just snooze all day adding to it, so that when Tricky arrives and wants to feed at 3.12am there is plenty of reserves to call on. I know it doesn't work that way, but its a nice thought. Or I could express and bottle feed so that Hubby gets up at night.. ooh I like the sound of that!