Bump Envy

There is something strange going on around here. And I'm not referring to the hot one day, raining the next weather. What I am talking about is my disappearing reappearing bump. Here one minute, gone the next.

I was so excited to be getting a bump because as I've mentioned previously I've been looking like I just piled on a few kilos and when affectionately rubbing my own belly I'd look like I was deciding on what to devour next for lunch. Other than not looking like I was about to pounce on whichever small animal may walk past next, getting bigger has meant all the pregnancy perks have started coming in – people actually stood up and offered their seats to me on the train, opened doors and gave me right of way in narrow spaces immediately bringing to an end the dreaded 'dance of the hallway'.

But then... gone. At first glance you would be excused for thinking Tricky had migrated from my belly to my butt, judging by its increasing girth, and I'm still not entirely convinced this isn't true. I go from looking like a proper preggo one day and then the next I look like one of those girls who buy their pants in the size they want to be, rather than the size they actually are. I actually have one of those T-shirts that says “Hands off the bump” and am tempted to wear it daily as a form of insurance against looking like a blob.

Where is Tricky going? He is fast running out of room and I'm not one of those tall willowy types that are so long in the torso they look flat as a pancake right up until they pop. Or is that his normal position meaning that when I look nice and round he is actually just sticking out his tiny little butt? Taking after his father already, no doubt.

I'd heard that subsequent pregnancies 'show' a lot sooner than first timers due to the abdominal muscles being stretched and relaxed already – and a friend one week ahead of me is already, in her own words, the size of a house. I wouldn't have gone that far – more like a small cottage or granny flat. But whether or not she looks like a housing establishment, the point is she looks lovely and I'm a little bit jealous. Admittedly I have even stuck out my belly further, just to look how I think I should look, in the same way I used to suck it in if I was going to a club.

Friends laugh at me for sticking it out and those with children already assure me that in a few weeks, when the waddle starts to kick in, I'll be wishing that I wasn't so big. But until then I reserve the right to continue to stick out my belly and ignore the fact that it makes my bum look even bigger due to the massively concave back.