Jinxed It

Have you ever written a post about the one thing you’d hate to see happen, then it’s happened and you’ve felt like you’ve caused it? Just by thinking about it?

When I asked this same question on Twitter, Tiff from Three Ring Circus was quick to answer in the affirmative, feeling like she'd jinxed Ivy's health at times by writing about how well she was doing.

Today I’ve been writing some posts to go up next week when my Dad has his heart surgery, thinking that I probably won’t feel like doing too much. I was writing about how we’re all understandably anxious and how I’m particularly worried the infection he has (from a frickin boil) will spread and that, at the eleventh hour, they will cancel his surgery.

I’d not long written those words when my Mum called...

A chest infection.

More antibiotics.

Surgery in doubt.

I know I didn’t cause this. I know my words have no impact on the world; that I’m not some fanciful omnipotent being who can write something and make it happen. Yet there is still that tiny little voice, at the farthest edge of my conscious that says I shouldn’t have written it. I should have just stayed quiet and this wouldn’t have happened.

He needs this surgery. He’s had to wait a month longer than they wanted him to because of scheduling conflicts. The conflict being the surgeon was going to Rotto for a holiday and didn’t want to pass the surgery to someone else. I’d call him a heartless bastard but if I’m not nice to that guy I’m afraid it will be my dad who will be the heartless one.

In this one, incredibly long, slow month I’ve watched him deteriorate from a man who was just a bit tired to one who sleeps most of the day and spends his nights on CPAP.

I have tried to spend as much time with him as possible but he stays away when he’s at his worst. Not wanting to be a burden. But all I want is to be near him; to drink in the joy of him and Tricky playing together; to help him sit down when he has one of his ‘turns’ and his heart races and he can’t breathe; to just be with him.

I’m worried his body is shutting down. He’s been on hardcore antibiotics and had penicillin injections all this week to try and knock the small infection yet he’s developed a bigger one.

I’m worried they won’t do the surgery.

I’m worried he won’t make it out of surgery.

I thought I was OK with it, this circle of life.

I thought I was learning to accept that these things happen, and to enjoy every day like it was your last because it just might be.

But I’m not.

I’m just a scared little girl who wants her Daddy to be better.

 

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Glowless rocked the Aussie Bloggers Conference thanks to

HealthyChart and Baby Goes Retro and Simply Colors