"Today at the shops the bag-check woman fussed over Tricky then said "You're too cute to be a boy" - Gender stereotyping now at a Kmart near you!"
Most people assumed I was saying that he had been mistaken for a girl and I was upset. She knew he was a boy because she'd already asked his name (quite possibly to figure out that very fact). I don't care when he gets mistaken for a girl, it honestly doesn't bother me... it has happened a few times, even after people have asked his name, because it sounds very similar to a girl's name.
Now I won't lie, a little part of me immediately swells with pride because my genetic material is partly responsible for creating a child who has been deemed 'attractive'. I will use his cuteness as proof that there is good in me somewhere.
But the rest of me, a much larger portion, is a little sad that even at age one he can't escape gender stereotyping. Society is already telling him how he should look and how he should act in order to be a boy. It's a little tiny pigeon hole that potentially takes away a lot of great experiences for him.
A few people on Twitter realized what I was saying and joined in with stories of friends/strangers/family members saying annoying, gender stereotyping comments. The ones that made me cringe the most were hearing that Tattoo Mummy's boy should get a haircut because only girls have blonde curls, and Cloud Love Baby who was told "with a squeal like that, he should've been a girl". Really? Boys don't have blonde curls? They can't squeal?
 |
| Well he is cute... |
Map Guy and I were quite conscious of not buying gendered toys for Tricky, even though we knew he was a boy from his anatomy scan. We instead focused on bright coloured toys, blocks and books, LOTS OF BOOKS!
When he did receive a 'boy toy' car as a gift, I felt I should even it up a bit and brought out one of my dolls. He plays with them equally and I love it; making vroom vroom noises with the car then hugging his dolly. He is developing in to a sweet little boy who is rough and adventurous sometimes, coy and cuddly at others.
I'm not the first to talk about gender stereotyping, not by a long shot, but I hadn't yet experienced the effects of it myself until yesterday, and it just makes me more focussed on assuring that Tricky grows up to be who he wants to be, not who society tells him to be.
I will do everything in my power to make sure he has a balanced view on the world and doesn't learn that there are things just for boys or just for girls. At least not from me.
Do your kids have gender neutral toys? All toys? Do you mind when they get mistaken for the opposite sex?
My oldest Jasper used to get mistaken for a girl all the time. I refused to cut his hair until he was about 4 and he had long golden curls (te reason why I didn't cut it).
ReplyDeleteI never minded that people thought he was a girl (usualy it was the old ladies at the op-shop) and only really bothered correcting the assumption about 20% of the time.
Both of my boys love to dress up and have gotten into my make up, as well as loving to play with trucks and dirt.
They can play with whatever they find fun.
Tyson our two year old has been mistaken for a girl before. It doesn't bother me so much. Gender role stereotyping does start early though so I reckon it's something to start talking to your kids about early. As a stay at home Dad I see the stereotype expectations a lot. Just got to hold our ground and keep confronting it I guess. My boys went through a period of time where anything pink was a 'girl' color (think Archie picked that up from school). We talked about it whenever it was raised. And just recently after being hit with some gender assumptions of my own I got myself a pink bank card. Looking forward to the reactions when I whip that baby out. Gotta keep hitting the stereotypes head on! Great post.
ReplyDeleteI saw your pink bank card, it was very cool :) I think it's really easy to pick things up from school, so confronting assumptions each time is all that matters.
ReplyDeleteI hate the fact that boys are immediately put into the 'must be rowdy and unruly' category. I try really hard to make sure all my kids are well behaved and mostly they are. But when my boys are sitting still I'll get comments that it's nice to see boys behaving. My daughter who is also there gets no praise because all girls just naturally sit still. THAT REALLY BUGS ME.
ReplyDeleteLove & stuff
Mrs M
I did start of with gender neutral toys, but eventually both boys gravitated to "boy toys", even without exposure to childcare. Ben was fascinated by cars from a very young age. I dressed them both in bright gender neutral colours, too, but again, as they grew older the choices became more limited.
ReplyDeleteBen was often mistaken for a girl, because he had a very pretty face and wore a lot of red. Meh... I don't think I really cared....
First up, Tricky is so cute I could nibble on him.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, love this post. You know I have ongoing issues with this, but I have taken a strong stance on it. And finally my Dad has pulled his head in, after watching Jack dance at his Ballet Open day with a dozen little girls. Dad was all like "He is really good isn't he..." Well der.
By the time our kids are grown up, I hope it will not be an issue at all.
xxx
I like this - good on you for committing to raise your son to have a balanced view !
ReplyDeleteMy middle son's name is Jesse, he had long blonde curls up until the beginning of this year when he started school (damn nits). So you could imagine what i've heard. I bought him a dollhouse with all the trimmings and a baby with the bottles, nappies etc. He loved this stuff & so did his older brother. But for me it wasn't about gender it was about language and learning about the world and helping with social skills. Now he loves his cars but with a little sister he adores they play everything together regardless.
ReplyDeleteI am constantly told or asked if he is a girl. I love his longish hair, and he plays however he likes.
ReplyDeleteI have one boy and one girl - and they mix and match their toys all the time. My son loves sitting with my little lady to have a tea party or dress up barbies while at other times, they run around the house shooting baddies or playing monster trucks.
ReplyDeleteMy son isn't even one and he has been mistaken for a girl a few times! He has a squeal on him to rival anything, and loves playing with his big sisters Barbies and other assorted pink toys. I don't give a rats. Saves me buying two lots of toys, doesn't it? Ha.
ReplyDeleteBoys are boys, and girls are girls. It's between their legs, not what they're wearing, or their haircut, or what toys they play with.
It's so hard. My three girls are super into barbies-but they also play with a train track, toy cars etc. I'm really conscious of trying to balance it out. My youngest particularly loves the movie "Cars" and she has been told on a number of occasions that it's a "boys movie"-which really pisses me off.
ReplyDeleteI've also had occasions where one of my girls has been referred to as "being my boy" for being really active or unafraid. It is the stuff that makes steam pour from my ears.
We have ALL toys. Boys and girls. Why not? My kids have a wooden doll house in their bedroom, they have a tub full of toy cars, they have a play kitchen with a tea set which we frequently have tea parties in, they have trucks and bikes outside, billions of balls, and cleaning toys. Why not?
ReplyDeleteThey don't have baby dolls, yet, but they do play daddies to their stuffed toys and put nappies on them and feed them and put them to bed.
Who cares. It's all part of life. People don't bat an eyelid when a girl plays with trucks, but with boys they say you're "turning them gay".
Greenie, who is always wearing green, is always mistaken for a girl. Yep even at 2. Even once they ask his name, which is a boy name. I don't care too much. Whatever. He has the balls to back it up if needed. Mr Black does get a little upset though. We have even had people who know he's a boy, friends and family say "He's very pretty though. Has girls features."
Whatever.
Master S has a lot of boys toys, because he's at an age to pick what he wants now. Miss E has a couple of dolls, but again, she also enjoys cars and other stereotypically 'boy's' toys.
ReplyDeleteI was often hounded by strangers to cut Master S' hair [he had such beautiful long golden locks I can only hope Miss E gets] as he looked like a 'girl'. Like you said, who said girls are the only one's who can have curls.!???
Did you hear about that couple who refused to reveal their kid's sex? They got a lot of crap from ppl. Why are we so stressed to put everyone in boxes? Even babies! They were born clean and society tries hard to screw them up young.
ReplyDeleteMy mum was politically correct before her time. Actually politically correct in the extreme. I was never allowed a doll or a Barbie doll. Which makes my current job quite ironic, doesn't it?
ReplyDelete... my kids have been exposed to all toys - gender-specific and gender non-specific - that's really the way to go. I indulged my daughter's pink and purple phase (her first colour recognition at 18 months was "my purple" in reference to a coloured pencil!) and she's come out the other side without a princess obsession.
Tricky IS adorable.
ReplyDeleteBut definitely not too cute to be a boy. That's just ridiculous.
As for toys, Dex has a Tonka truck that he absolutely loves. He also has my four cabbage patch dolls and a dolls pram to even it out.
My son gets mistaken for a girl, or gets asked if he's a girl, a fair bit. He's only 4 months old, so I can see why it's not so obvious.
ReplyDeleteI really liked Mrs Woogs' cool blog post about how her son was rejected from the dancing class because of his gender, and how she got him in after "firm words" with the dance school.
I guess that's what's cool about being a parent. We don't have to change the whole world - but we can positively change the world of our children - By guiding them to be whoever they want to be and helping them to remember that THEY ROCK no matter what! :) I love being a mummy! xx
Riley used to get confused for a boy all the time. That in and of itself didn't bother me - she had no hair, really - just a strip down the middle that looked a bit like a mohawk. It did bother me that when people didn't know the gender they always guessed boy, always even when she was wearing pink.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll be the first to admit that I dressed her in a lot of pink and princess dresses and did I mention the pink? I took advantage of the one time in her life where I get to pick exactly what she wears and she has absolutely no say at all. Sue me.
It doesn't seem to have really impacted on her preferences as far as toys are concerned. She has one dress-up dress which she LOVES. But other than that she is all about blocks, cars, dinosaurs and puzzles. She doesn't really play with dolls that often.
Oh dear - I must (refuse) to be getting old:) My 19 yr old son played with dolls, had beautiful red/gold/blonde curls which MiL had to brush so he looked more like a boy :(. I'm trying to teach him to sew. He acted at school so had to wear makeup. He's the manliest boy you could ever meet. Pity those who say boys must be boys & girls must be girls. They will all turn out the people they are meant to be no matter wot they look like/play with as little takkers.
ReplyDeleteOh my hub and I had an argument about this the other day because I wanted to buy our neice some blocks like Duplo or mega blocks for her 1st birthday knowing she didn`t have any and that she would get into them in the next six months just like our older son is but my hub said it was a "boy" gift and wanted to get her a doll. In the end we settled for a brightly coloured shape sorter which she seemed to like but I still think blocks would of been cool.
ReplyDeleteMy kids don`t often get mistaken for girls but their names are misleading so sometimes people confirm once I tell their names. Noah & Shion are both somewhat girly sounding in Japanese although Shion is more common for a boy here and it is obviously the more Japanese of the two names.
What annoys me more than the gender typing, which doesn`t happen here so much as they really do not see babies as having a sex for the first year or so at least that is the impression I get and they certainly have no objections to dressing their kids in a multitude of colours, is having people telling me my "half kids are so cute" while they are pushing their own child in a buggy. Some will go as far as saying that they wish their own child was "half and as cute as mine" - the expression half is annoying in itself but the fact they are saying my kid is cuter than there`s makes me sad for their kid. Especially since while I think my kids are cute it is not like they are baby model material or anything....
I don't mind if my girls get confused for boys, but I do get pissed off when people say to me and my husband "so you'll be going for number four then to get that boy." Fuck off, I do not care what gender my children are - just that they are happy, healthy and loved x
ReplyDeleteYou can try your guts out to be gender neutral with toys but kids will just go to what they like. I can barely get my two year old to eat off a blue plate.
ReplyDeleteToday with four girls and one boy here for lunch, all under 6 I served up the girls on blue and the boy in pink plates as I knew the girls would all fight over the remaining two pink clean plates.
miss 5 has also refused to wear sneakers...as that is what boys wear, even when they were pink.
With my middle boy we got the 'those beautiful blonde curls are wasted on a boy' comment all the time.... drove me nuts!
ReplyDeleteAs you know (since you linked to my post, thanks!) my kids have all kinds of toys. My girls got a train set for their first birthday and my baby boy got a doll for his first Christmas... Just now, at age seven, my girls are starting to use the term 'boy toy/girl toy' and we had an interesting chat today about why people label toys like that and both my girls said that is how they are sorted in the shops and in catalogues.... and that is how they are promoted, which drives me nuts! Anyway could ramble on all day on this topic so will stop there!
It has never even occured to me. My boys just play what ever they like and I have one with curls but because we have a sweaty head thing in the family, their hair is always short.
ReplyDeleteI do remember a friend years ago who went out of her way to find a gender non specific daycare. She used to be so frustrated telling us what she would see when she went to pick up the kids. Boys on one side of the room making guns out of lego, girls on the other side playing house.
I don't htink there issuch a thing as gender non specific in our society and I'm honestly not sure there should be.
Miss Tween asked for Hot Wheels stuff for Christmas last year but asked if it was okay in the same breath. We told her, of course, she could have cars for presents if that's what she wanted. But by and by our girls still love their dolls and jewellery.
ReplyDeleteAnd we were always being told how handsome our boys were. Bwahahaha
Whatever they find fun is the key!
ReplyDeleteThat would bug me too! To borrow a feminist catch cry: Equal praise for equal manners!
ReplyDeleteTricky appears to be fascinated by cars too, and he might start gravitating towards the 'boys toys' eventually, but like your boys, it won't be because they were the only ones offered and they weren't allowed anything that didn't "fit their gender"
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mrs Woog. Good to see your Dad has come around.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I find nibbling on Tricky just after he has eaten is great - gives him a little seasoning.
Thanks, Georgi!
ReplyDeleteThe social skills that come with imaginative play and role playing are so important. I wouldn't want Tricky to miss out on playing house, or tea parties based on what was between his legs.
ReplyDeleteLove it Emma, expected nothing less from you :) I'd love Tricky's hair to be long - currently it's forming in to a bit of a rat's tail... not quite how I imagined it.
ReplyDeleteSounds great! Let's just hope the two games don't collide and the tea party gets a Barbie car drive by shooting.
ReplyDeleteAmen. And it's what's between their ears too!
ReplyDeleteMy blood boils when I hear things like this, Shae. Girls can't be active and unafraid? How terribly sad. I feel the same when I see little boys being told to 'get over it' and 'stop crying' much quicker than little girls are told to.
ReplyDeleteI think that's the bit that annoys me the most, that some people assume by giving a boy a doll, or something pink, that they will "turn gay". I believe you are born with your sexuality and no amount of barbies, pink and fairies can turn a straight person gay, just as no amount of blue, trucks and GI Joe's can turn a gay person straight.
ReplyDeleteI'll admit that's a little extreme for me! I like that there are differences between men and women, I just don't want to see Tricky forced to be something he may not have turned out to be if given his own choice. If after all the choice, he still turns out to be a stereotypical bloke, then I'll be OK with that!
ReplyDeleteMy son had blonde, blonde curls when he was little, and was often told he "should have been a girl". He now does ballet, plays with both dolls and trucks, and prefers playing with girls. I have heard, more than once, from "well-meaning" people, that my son is gay. He is FIVE.
ReplyDeleteMy eldest daughter is still, to this day, mistaken for a boy. She dresses in pink (of her own choice), has soft blonde curls and a beautiful, heart-shaped face - but her hair is short. It won't grow. So she gets called "mate", and people look confused when I correct them that she is a she.
My littlest is a tiny bit older than Tricky, so it would be understandable if she were mistaken for a boy. And yet, she's usually not. The thing that infuriates me is when I dress her in blue or red, people assume she's a boy. When I correct them, or tell them her name is Maisie, they look at me as though I'm the mad one for dressing her in anything but pink. *Sigh*
Wow she was definitely before her time! I had everything Barbie when I was little, then went on to study feminism... not really two things that most people would put together. I realize that a lot of kids, given choice with their toys, will still gravitate towards the stereotype for all sorts of reasons, and I think that's fine because it was their choice. (Or was it? Was it media? School? Ahhh don't get me started!)
ReplyDeleteI hope he puts the Cabbage Patch Dolls in the Tonka truck and takes them for a spin :P
ReplyDelete"We don't have to change the whole world - but we can positively change the world of our children" - Lina you are a philosopher! Well said!
ReplyDeleteMy mother was the same because none of us kids had hair! Pink all the way! It's hard to find stuff that isn't pink these days.
ReplyDeleteI'm also taking advantage of the being the wardrobe mistress and have him in funky coordinated outfits most of the time. I know it'll be ratty shorts and stained tshirts soon enough.
Oh she brushed out his curls? That's so sad, I love curls.
ReplyDeleteI bet you do the swell with pride then crumple a lit bit thing when they say it.
ReplyDeleteThe Japanese culture is amazing, it's really sad that so many people don't value their own culture highly enough, to find a "half baby" more desirable. I think mixed race babies are gorgeous because I think that ALL babies are gorgeous.
P.S. Duplo and Mega Block ALL THE WAY!!!
Hells yes, Bianca! My parents got the same with three girls... and questions about did they wish I was a boy? They had the lovely response of "Well since our 2nd daughter is dying, we're just happy she's healthy"... though they never said it out loud (pity).
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, Clairey, no matter how much encouragement, they will play with what they enjoy and there is not much we can do about it!. I'm just wanting to give him the choice in the first place... if he decides to go down the stereotypical path then it won't be because he had no other option.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting, Kate, that they've started noticing this pattern. Shows just how influential the media is.
ReplyDeleteI think there are a lot of toys/clothes/activities for children that are gender non-specific or gender neutral, it's everywhere. I think encouraging them to be well rounded in all facets of life is important, rather than just focusing on traditional, out dated gender roles.
ReplyDeleteGood on her :) There's no denying what their favourites are, for me, this is just about not limiting him to certain toys because it's what society (or toy catalogues) tell me a boy should have.
ReplyDeleteI tend to not get along with "well-meaning" people, they shit me to tears. There is plenty of time for each child to figure out who they are before we go ramming our ideas of sexuality and gender down their throats.
ReplyDeleteAnd funny you should mention that when you dress her in red it's assumed she's a boy, because when Tricky is wearing red is when he's more likely to be called a girl. It's a fab, bright colour that suits all kids :)
Yes! Thank you! I'm so sick of these rigid gender roles and stereotypes in society. Sure, culture has some influence in you figuring out your gender, but it's not the be all and end all people make it out to be!
ReplyDeleteMy little nephew, who's about 5 now, likes to occasionally wear dresses and for a time loved the color pink. I was of course very happy to have many photos of this, as material to embarrass him immensely when he's a teenager. (Insert evil laugh here.)
I never really got why some toys are just for girls or boys myself. I played with cars, in the mud, some footy and as far as I can tell I'm still a girl.
I have got some flack for doing "boy things" like taking an interest in video games (yeah I know, but I'm bored alot) and the like. I don't really care though.
But when someone says my nephew isn't allowed to wear a dress or play "fairies" because he's a boy, I tell them to go away or to Google the dress code for Victorian baby boys. You can find some adorable pics of these boys, in frilly dresses, with long blonde curls and the like. It usually shuts them up hehe.