Market Research 101

I did a product survey yesterday. I do a lot of them. I'm not talking about the cool Bloggy things, I mean the focus group type surveys.

Aunty Penny works in marketing so whenever these things come around in my inbox I think about how some poor schmuck has gone to so much effort to put this survey together, and I feel a bit sorry for them. What if no one fills out their survey? What if they get fired because of that? It would be my fault, since the world revolves around me and all. So I take a few minutes to fill it out.

I also do the phone surveys that "only take two minutes" that actually take ten minutes. You can look me up in the phonebook under "Sucker".

Though telemarketers are a different story; I'm never ever rude to them, since I was one, but dude, do NOT call me during dinner and then get huffy when I say no thank you. That is a one way ticket to phone slammage. It's a word, trust me.

But I digress.

Yesterday's survey was about a new shower gel. It asked me how exciting the product was.

Um, excuse me? Exciting? No. It's shower gel. I don't get in the shower, turn to see my shower gel then shout out whoopeeeeeee just because I've seen that it's some new organic crap in a fancy pants recycled hemp bottle with added essential oils. It's just shower gel.

So, marketing gurus, take note; here, for your benefit is the list of questions and answers I would like to see you ask about your brand spanking new product the next time I get your survey:

1. Based on our carefully worded spiel and fancy air brushed pictures of the new shower gel, are you:
a) Very impressed
b) Slightly impressed
c) Not very impressed
d) Dude, it's shower gel. Put an elephant in the bottle and then I'll be impressed.

Why elephant? I dunno, sounded good in my head

2. Based on the lovely description but complete lack of price details, how likely are you to purchase this amazing new shower gel when you're next at the shops?:
a) Very likely
b) Somewhat likely
c) Unlikely
d) Dude, it's shower gel. If I've run out, it's on special and cheaper than everything else I will buy it.

3. Which of these phrases describes how new and different you think this product is compared to what is available?
a) Extremely new and different
b) Somewhat new and different
c) Not very new and different
d) Dude, it's shower gel, it's not new or different at all. A funny shaped bottle doesn't make you cool.

4. How relevant is this super duper shower gel to your house hold?
a) Very relevant
b) Slightly relevant
c) Not relevant
d) Dude, it's shower gel. I shower, therefore it's gotta be a bit relevant, right?

There you have it, marketing gurus. You can send your cheques to me now!

Are you a sucker? Do you do marketing surveys? Do you want elephants in your shower gel?
No elephants were harmed in the making of this post.