Last night I was sitting, numb from the waist down, on a wafer thin mattress that takes up the entire floor space of my microscopic lounge room.
In my arms, was my sweet little Tricky boy, damp and clammy from too many tears and endless cuddles.
He would only sleep in my arms if I sat up... laying down was not an option
One year in to this caper and I'm still not entirely sure what to do when he becomes so distressed. He's not really much of a crier (a whinger though, definitely) and is generally easy to settle; cuddles, kisses, sometimes a lullaby.
So when he starts screaming with unrivaled intensity and special milky cuddles can't fix it, I feel useless.
I sing louder, pat firmer, jiggle more...and it doesn't help. The crying continues. I am completely and utterly obsolete. It's been almost a year since I've felt quite like this.
In the dark, I add my own salty tears to the mix. Sometimes they're sad, 'I wish I knew how to help you' tears; sometimes they're 'Mama has had two hours of sleep' tears.
They slowly drop on to his head and for a moment our tears mingle before I wipe them away and apologize.
Apologize for crying; for not being able to help; for not being able to figure out what's wrong and make it all go away.
So I do what I can. I snuggle in and stroke his sweaty brow until he finally calms and falls in to a fitfull sleep in my arms, where he stays, for the next six hours.
He wakes often to cry out and snuggle in even deeper; cling on to me tighter than I can ever remember, before getting up and playing with his blocks like nothing was ever wrong.
How he can have so much energy after so little sleep? I can barely keep my eyes open, even with toothpick props. Today is most definitely going to be a pyjama day.
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| Me after a long night |
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| Tricky after a long night |
bloody kids! I know this pain. I do. sending coffee vibes and hoping the trickster has a better night tonight. <3
ReplyDeleteHugs to you! It's so hard. No sleep is the pits.
ReplyDeleteOh God, I've been there. Big hugs to both of you. Nothing worse than being so sleep deprived it brings you to tears. xo
ReplyDeleteOh darling Glowy. I do remember these moments. They pass. Please please know they pass. It mightn't be for a while yet, but in those times when you are so bitterly lacking in sleep to recoup your own lost energy (and then they bounce awake and continue AAAARGH) it's very very hard to see any friggen silver lining. Anywhere. Ever again!
ReplyDeleteBut there is one. And you know what, there WILL be times when your cuddles and just being there to cradle scores you a win and he will give over to sleep and you will feel like an Amazon-Titan-Zulu mother for it! High-five yourself in those times, even if rare. And never ever apologise for your tears xoxox
Glow, Moo is three, and my other two are seven and five, Moo is cutting molars and when she is like tricky i cry too, i feel exactly how you feel, freaking useless! The years dont make you any smarter all you can do is rock them. xx hugs to you today... im still in my jarmies, Jarmie party?
ReplyDeletewe still have alot of nights like this. big hugs. i have no idea how they can function on so little sleep, but they do and they do it well. xo
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet thing, I feel for you. I so remember those days (nights, really). That picture of you... I hate to say it but it is adorable. Even sleep deprived you look so cute. I hope you both have a better night tongiht. xo
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing, how can you still write so beautifully after such a long night? Hugs to you and Tricky!
ReplyDeleteRemember, way back when, it was your best friend crying and you were smashed and up all night and then the next morning you bounded out of bed for another day and it was awesome?
ReplyDeleteSucks to get old, doesn't it?
x
I think every parent has had to deal with this at some stage. It does get easier.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I don't have any advice to offer you, I never went through this with any of my babies.
ReplyDeleteIs there a trusted friend or neighbour who could come in and watch Tricky play while you catch 40 winks?
Ouch. Those nights are so not fun. If you're not into dosing Tricky up on Panadol (I hate doing it with my boys and only do it if I absolutely have to), see if you can get your hands on some Brauer "Calm". It's a homeopathic medication that is really good for cranky/irritable/teething babies as well as for cold symptoms. I've given it to both Seagull and Wombat when they've had their moments and have found that it works within about 5 - 10 mins of them taking it. I think the box says to give the first four doses 1/2 hourly, then four hourly after that, but I've found that they do just as well giving it four hourly from the start.
ReplyDeleteI hope tonight is a better night for you. :)
Oh I've been there, it does get better and you will sleep again oneday, I promise! Buzz used to have night terrors, screaming blue murder uncontrollably for hours, nothing would help, you couldn't even touch him, now he sleeps like a log,12hrs a night.
ReplyDeleteWish I lived closer, I'd babysit so you could get some rest. xx
It may be his 1 year molars hun. Something people forget to tell you is they're just as bad as the 2 year molars. I find with teething you never know why they're so upset until the tooth is through and then you go "Ohhhh you were teething!"
ReplyDeleteStill, I hope you're able to get some sleep tonight. Mama's need their sleep too!
Oh no, you poor thing. Must have been the night for it. My two tag teamed also but I think I managed a tiny bit more sleep than you. Sending you 'sleep babe' vibes for tonight.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie it sounds awful. I'm getting nervous about being back at this stage where their only communication is tears and you feel so hopeless. Hope PJ day was good and that everyone is getting more sleep very soon.
ReplyDeleteSleep deprivation is the hardest, hardest bit. It makes everything else more difficult. We've just been back there again for a few nights; Lil has been crook. She's better now, but the boofhead and I are still recovering. Which reminds me; time for bidies.
ReplyDeleteHope you have a better night tonight xox
It is so hard to watch your little on in distress, not able to tell you what is wrong, and feel helpless. It is also so very hard to then try and function on horrible broken sleep. Hopefully Tricky has the best nap of his little life and you actually take that time to nap yourself . . . do it . . . no feeling guilty.
ReplyDeleteEndless nights ... No more ideas of what might help... So sorry for Tricky but you Mama are awesome just comforting & calming best you can.
ReplyDeleteI agree that sleep deprivation is worst part ever of parenting when little ones can't help themselves.
You done good. I just hope as I'm writing this 24 hours on, you are in your bed & Tricky's in his. Hugs xxx
I so know how you feel!! She got 13 hours of sleep but I didn't sleep longer than 2 hours. Ack! This will pass right?
ReplyDeleteYep, it's some major molar action. Those suckers are HUGE. I feel so sorry for the kiddies, not knowing what is happening, just in so much pain.
ReplyDeleteCoffee vibes are awesome :)
ReplyDeleteWill there be feather pillows we can throw around???
ReplyDeleteI'm not anti-Panadol, he'd had some. After nothing worked I considered giving Nurofen too because I just wanted to make it all go away for him.
ReplyDeleteI've heard good things about the Brauer stuff, he has their nappy cream.
Thanks Miss Sidetracked x
I now want to space my children so that all night waking and need for cuddles is only occurring in one child. I think 18-20 years apart should be right.
ReplyDeleteI wish he could communicate more. He can sign a bit and has a few basic words, but won't even use them when he's upset. Just mum mum mum mum mum.
ReplyDeletePJ day was pretty good :)
They recover so quick, takes us ages to get back in to our own routines and catch up on the sleep debt!
ReplyDeleteI keep telling myself it will pass, so it bloody better!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Denyse. We're still camped in the lounge room, but I think tonight he'll go back to his room xxx
ReplyDeleteI wish I could nap during the day, it's a very rare thing for me. Can't switch off my head.
ReplyDeleteLuckily my Mum is on holidays so she came over and did my dishes and played with Tricks while I had a shower and relaxed. Almost 30 and still can't live without my Mama :)
ReplyDeleteYeah it's nothing new, just new to me! I've misplaced the manual that came with Tricky somewhere...
ReplyDeleteBy putting on a video to entertain Tricky. Oh yeah, I'm *that* mother :P
ReplyDeleteThanks K, will try to take a less cute photo next time... you know, to grab a bit more sympathy hehe.
ReplyDeleteIf we could bottle their energy there would be no need for dirty fuels any more!
ReplyDeleteBeen known to cry over spilt milk after a few hours of broken sleep. Your nerves just get so freyed that anything tips you over the edge!
ReplyDeleteI am so looking forward to feeling like an Amazon-Titan-Zulu mother! I've felt it once or twice, and it's normally accompanied by a smug smirk and a "I've got this mothering thing sussed" thought. Then the kid changes and I have to figure it all out again!
ReplyDeleteWorst part about the whole parenting thing. I think I can handle quite a lot if I'm rested. Without it though, I'm a wreck.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. You are doing it exactly right. There's a reason you call him Tricky. :)
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