10 Reasons Why I Don't Follow You On Twitter

So this is the third installment of 'Why I Don't' posts, hot on the heels of Why I Don't Read Your Blog and Why I Don't Comment On Your Blog. In short, it's a thinly veiled bitch session.

Twitter is my favourite thing in the world (@glowless in case you were wondering). Awake at midnight? Go talk to someone! Something important happens in the world? Find out within mere minutes - most of the time from eye witnesses (and RTs) more than half an hour before it gets on even the top news sites. But mostly it is where I go for shits and giggles with my buddies from all around the world... and to avoid housework, obviously.

10 Reasons Why I Don't Follow You On Twitter

1. You're a company and the only thing you tweet is your latest deal over and over again. If I wanted to see so many damn ads I'd watch commercial television. Twitter is an amazing marketing tool but you have to engage with me. This also counts if you use your business account to just retweet your own blog account. If there is no point of difference between the two, one has to go.

2. You only retweet others. If I want to know what they're saying, I'll follow them thankyouverymuch. Say something original but preferably not just a blow by blow account of what you're doing unless you happen to be "doing" a celebrity.

3. You have no bio. I know, I know, they can be a bitch to write but it is the biggest make or break for me. I need to immediately know if you're a person or a company, if we have anything in common and if you're going to give me some level of entertainment. And further to this please list your location to the nearest city... if you put your location as "Earth" I'll just think you're a dickhead or an alien. Same goes if your avi is that stupid bloody egg.

4. Your name, Twitter handle and blog name are so different to each other that I have no idea who the hell you are. Here's a hint, if they're really different put the information in your bio, there's even a special spot for a link so USE IT! Make it easy for me, people!

5. You tweet quotes and pretend they're your own. Just like the other eleventy hundred bajillion people on the interwebz, I got that viral email in 2003 too, so I've heard the joke before. You're not fooling anyone, mister!

6. You follow and unfollow me to get my attention. Now this can be used as a way of covertly gauging if someone has intentionally unfollowed you or if the phantoms of the Twittersphere have worked their evil magic again and just kicked you off a list. But once you've done it once and I don't follow back, perhaps it's a useful clue. It smacks of desperation when you do it weekly, so don't. This is even worse if you're a business - yes, I'm looking at YOU Perth video making company that shall remain nameless.

7. You use too many hashtags. Do #you #really #need #every #single #word to be one? This is of course null and void if your hashtags are hilarious and involve mention of nipples, wine and/or Glow Jobs.

8. Your tweets are set to private. WHY?!?!?! Twitter is about being in a global conversation, don't cut yourself out of it! It doesn't make sense so I automatically think you're a douche and won't follow you. If for some incredible reason I do send a follow request, whenever I go to RT you I get a little warning from Twitter telling me I'm RTing protected content... it's annoying in a first world problem kinda way.

9. All your tweets are about your damn cat and your lonely single life. Unless you're Bridget Jones and can tell me some saucy stories about getting it on with Daniel Cleaver, whining all the freaking time about your non existent social life is just infuriating. Join an online dating site or, I dunno, put down Mr Snuggles for a goddamn minute and go out in to the real world for once.

10. You tweet racist, homophobic, xenophobic, sexist crap under the thin veneer of humour and the protection afforded you for being considered a celebrity social commentator. There is no excuse for being a bigoted twat, grow up.

Why don't you follow someone on Twitter? I'm expecting the new little bird on the scene might get a mention here.