The thirty before 30 recap

I figured it's about time I sat down and assessed how I did with my Thirty before 30 list of goals. I've been avoiding it the way you avoid swimming at the beach immediately after dry shaving your legs... because I know I will feel the pain of salt penetrating a thousand tiny, self created wounds.

I rarely set goals because I'm so bad at finishing things and I end up feeling like I've failed because, well, I have failed. Even when I go all gung-ho and promise myself I do it this time, I just don't. Things get in the way; pregnancy, child wrangling, work, life. But mostly my fucked up head.

I have a room full of redundant supplies bought each time I decided to try some new activity or set a goal because I don't do things by halves. I am committed to failing in the most spectacular way possible. This year I will do more art = a room full of canvases, paints and paintbrushes. This year I will start my own makeup business = a metric tonne of eyeshadow and false lashes. This year I will meditate and spend more time on me = three books on Buddhism and mindfulness plus a fancy pants meditation CD. All gathering dust.

The final result is that I'm left feeling like a tool for yet another year of not accomplishing anything with the added bonus of feeling guilty about wasting money on so much stuff I never use. Especially when I could spend it on important, expensive things like wine or medication or other useful things.

Having the goals written down, even on the internet, doesn't spur me on, doesn't motivate me. So the list has sat here, for almost a year laughing at me, mocking me. So, rather than get all emo about it (oops, too late) I'm pulling on my big girl pants and assessing the list. Let's see what I failed to do, and what I managed to do despite being the Queen of Procrastination thus surprising us all, mmkay?

1. Finish renovating the house
Fail. OK so we're not starting off well. Our walls are still without paint and our yard is a disgrace. I had huge plans for a vege patch - I was so excited. Sadly the excitement diminished when I saw how expensive it was to buy soil to replace our barren sand.

2. Buy a new pair of shoes
I achieved this. Three times over. I will consider this a spectacular example of when goal setting goes well. Yay me.

3. Go on a holiday with Map Guy and Tricky
Check! Ten days in paradise with my boys was amazing.

4. Attend my Dad’s 60th birthday celebration and spoil him rotten with presents
We had a surprise dinner for my Dad's 60th. Because my mum didn't want to ruin the surprise, when he got dressed in shorts and a tshirt she didn't tell him to get changed, meaning he rocked up to the restaurant, where everyone else was nicely dressed, looking rather bogan. He was so embarrassed and I was furious at my Mum.

5. Start dancing lessons with Map Guy
Fail. It's a double fail because I bought us lessons and we never attended. And I wonder why I never have any fucking money!?!?

6. Expand Where’s My Glow?
When I wrote the goal list I had 106 followers on the widget and I wanted to get to 200. It ticked over to 600 just the other day. I know it's not a real indicator of success or anything, but I'm not going to lie, seeing that number makes me feel good.

7. Ask for help when I need it
Went back on medication, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. I'm awesome.

8. Read and comment on more blogs
Half Fail. I did this for a long time. I would read and comment on every single post that was linked to FlogYoBlog Friday. And then a combination of working on the conference, getting a writing job, Tricky becoming an adventurous toddler and still wanting to have some semblance of life (combined with poor time management and kick ass procrastination) means I now hardly read any. Not even the ones I subscribe to. I am a bad, bad, blogger.

9. Get my hair done
Woo, I did this! That drag stripe was getting huge.

10. Cook more food from scratch
Just call me Martha. Quiches, slices, gingerbread, shortbread, and cake pops! I even made up my own recipe for Cheesecake and Oreo Macaroons because I was feeling smug.

11. Attend the Aussie Bloggers’ Conference
Ooooh yeah. And it was amazing. Almost time for the next one!

12. Clean out my kitchen cupboards
I did this twice. Surely I can cross something else off because I did this more than was necessary? C'mon, gimme a break!

13. Have a facial
Fail. I didn't even get a facial in Kota Kinabalu when it would have cost $3.50 for an hour. Shame on me for not exploiting a poor country and an awesome exchange rate.

14. Keep breastfeeding Tricky
I've considered weaning Tricks at least once a week for the past few months. But breastfeeding is bloody handy - it's so damn easy to comfort him when he falls, lull him to sleep if he's unwell, and gives me a moment to just sit and be with him. I don't want to be still feeding him when he's at school, that is a little much for me... but I don't know when he'll wean. He's a boob man, I don't see him giving it up without a fight.

15. Enter more competitions
Again this is one that I did for a while, then stopped doing, especially for blog competitions. I felt bad commenting on a blog that I hadn't been to for a while just to win a prize. "Oh hi! No I don't read your blog, but I'd love some free shit!"

16. See some amazing live music with Map Guy
Fail. I blame Perth for being so far away.

17. Clean out my wardrobe
Fail. Though I did technically do this... it morphed in to a floordrobe and that's how it's stayed for months and months. Piles of clean clothes on the floor of the bedroom and the (walk in) robe. How can I have so many clothes and bugger all to wear?

18. Hang photos up on the walls
Fail. Oh dear. Three in a row. What makes this worse is that the box of frames has been sitting in my kitchen for about 18 months now, gathering a thick layer of dust. I would dust them but going near them reminds me I haven't hung them up yet and makes me a sad panda.

19. Have a nice 1st birthday party for Tricky
It was brilliant. Including the cake I made that had people oohing and ahhing. Is it bad that looking back on that cake makes me swell with pride? I remember the cake more than the day... bad mama.

20. Write some poetry
Fail. Unless you consider a poorly written limerick that won me snow cone maker from Mrs Woog.

21. Spend some time in Albany so that Tricky gets more time with his rellies
We've made the six hour trek to Albany a few times in the past twelve months - Me, Map Guy, Tricky and a giant, farting dog. The last time we sung Old MacDonald for three hours and I was convinced that driving in to a tree would be less painful... until we passed a double fatality on the highway and realized a few hours of singing to entertain a bored toddler is NOTHING and I will do it again and again and again without (much) complaining.

22. Clean out the Man Cave (the study where Map Guy spends most of his time

Fail. Errr... kinda. Cleaned it out, moved the desk so it was almost empty and it became the 'guest bedroom' (if you can call a mattress on the floor a guest bedroom?) for when my inlaws stayed over. Then it became the laundry room which morphed in to the junk room. Which is how it is now but with the desk that was removed, crammed back in.

23. Lose weight

So technically I achieved this. Although it only really happened because I got extremely ill, lost the ability to swallow anything (including my own saliva) and wound up in hospital. BUT I'm going to hold on to it because after I lost it, I didn't gain it back and then lost a teeny little bit more too. YAY ME! Even though it goes past my birthday, I didn't put on any weight over Christmas for the first time ever. EVER!

24. Make a new friend
I have made lots of new friends in the past year, and as someone with a major psychiatric illness and an anxiety disorder this is HUGE.

25. Keep seeing a counselor (keep’s the craziness at bay)
Fail. Although, after the bullshit that happened with the last crackpot was declared me cured after four sessions that consisted of drawing a picture, telling her about my favourite childhood TV character and being told to have a lolly jar and dive in to it whenever I wanted to reconnect with my inner child (even though I was obese - What. The. Fuck?), I have given up for a while and am flying solo. This may prove to be my undoing, let's wait and see.

26. Go on a date with Map Guy
I know I did this... but I can't remember where we went. I think it was to the movies.

27. Be more assertive
I'm going to chalk this up as a success. I'm not great at it, but I'm getting better. I can even say no now... granted it's only in situations that don't matter and to people who I don't know but that's not the point. Baby steps.

28. Keep attending Mothers’ Group
Love my gals. Can't believe I ended up with a group of women who all get along so well. Now two of them are up the duff again I wonder how it's going to change our dynamic. Will we all keep meeting up or will life get in the way? I hope we keep meeting, it's something I look forward to every Friday.

29. Go swimming
I swam. Both in pools and the ocean (in Australia and Malaysia)... in front of people! This was actually a much bigger deal to me that I thought it would be. When I first published the list I mentioned I used to swim for a club... I didn't mention why I stopped though and blamed my lack of recent swimming on body issues. It ran a lot deeper than that, and now I'm going to be annoying and not tell you why because I'm not ready to. Sorry.

30. Plan a kick-ass 30th birthday party
Until two weeks before my birthday I wasn't going to have a party because we'd decided to go to Malaysia instead. But then I decided I cannot turn 30 and not have a little gathering, so we went to the beach for a sunset BBQ with about 20 friends and it was lovely. What was even more lovely was my awesome cake - proof that I've been baking from scratch more!

So there we have it. 20 out of 30 aint bad, right? Right???

Now, to make some new goals or not? Hrmmm.