I hate

I hate that I ruined an otherwise perfect day

I hate that something that seemed so small and insignificant was, in fact, a major trigger and set me spiraling out of control

I hate that you saw past the facade and met the real, twisted me; the me I have worked tirelessly to keep hidden

I hate that I couldn't control my breathing, let alone my thoughts, and wanted to run out in to traffic to make it all stop

I hate that, in that very moment, it was the only way I could see out, so clouded was my head with white noise, fear and pain that being alive was pure agony

I hate that I was so afraid to ask for help from the person who understands me and can, within a few moments, direct me to safety, that I didn't call her, didn't text her, just sent her a DM on Twitter that I knew she might not get, so terrified I was of inconveniencing her

I hate that afterwards I found out she'd had a shit of a day and I felt even worse for asking for help

I hate that I see things so black and white while you see things in wonderful shades of grey and brilliant colour that I can only dream of

I hate that you had a glimpse in to my mind and how it works, how fucked up it really is

I hate that you saw how quickly I go from seemingly normal to psychotic and in need of urgent care when faced with a triggering situation

I hate that you saw me at my most vulnerable, slumped on the pavement, my body heaving with sobs and guttural moans, looking anything but Glowing

But most of all, I hate that you told me to snap out of it and stop crying

I hate that when I tried to explain, you said I just wanted to be molly coddled when what I needed was validation and a chance to calm down in a safe environment

I hate that when I begged and pleaded with you to stop saying it you ignored me and said I needed to hear it


That is more painful than anything else

Holiday baggage (under my eyes)

I've just spent a week at a beach shack with Map Guy, Tricky and my inlaws (and Sprocket, can't forget him).

Other than the initial hiccup, it was sorta like a week with a live in nanny, cook and cleaner because they tend to not let us do anything when we stay with them... which suits me very well. I'm sure in a previous life I was uber rich and had servants because it just comes so naturally to me to let people do stuff for me.

Some people call it lazy, I call it delegating.

But I don't come back from holidays looking rested and serene with an ethereal glow (as opposed to an ethereal Glow, because I'm obviously that all the time). I come back looking knackered; the bags under my eyes morph in to an entire matching luggage set and take on a slight purple hue.

See the problem is, whenever I have a little holiday and get to sleep earlier, my brain all of a sudden decides that it must try to reduce the sleep debt I've built up after years of insomnia coupled with 20months of child rearing. Which basically means I'm tired the whole damn time I'm away and take every opportunity to go back to bed and add to the puddle of drool on my pillow or fall asleep in the car giving myself a lovely double whammy of a crick neck and a side double chin (double goiter?).

That translates, roughly, in to me looking like the least involved parent in front of people who I'm still trying to slightly impress.

But rather than continuing to bang on about my holiday that went from soul destroying to rather pleasant (if somewhat anxiety provoking), I want to hear what it would have been like for you:

Finish this sentence: "A week on holidays at the beach with my inlaws would be..."

The Vlog About Nothing

Kinda like Seinfeld, but, you know, not at all.

FlogYoBlog Friday: The Nomophobia Edition

Hey Flogstars,

I'm jittery. And it's nothing to do with spending a night in a repulsive holiday home with a mouse infestation.

It's because up here, I have no phone coverage. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero (have you noticed that N and Z completely steal all the words meaning nothing? Letter hogs!!!).

I have Nomophobia. It sounds like the fear of yummy things, but it's not... it's the fear of being without your phone. Dun dun DUUUUUN!

Whilst I do actually have my phone with me, I have no signal because my provider don't have any towers up this way. I could use another tower but the 4S doesn't let you turn off 3G - first world problems, right? Hey, after spending a night inhaling mouse shit, I'm allowed to be a bit shirty, gimme a break.

What makes it so much worse is that I have people emailing and tweeting me saying "Did you get my text?". Nooooo I didn't! What did you say? Was it important? Was it funny? Please don't think I'm ignoring you!!! Don't leeeeaaaaveeeeee meeeeeeeee!!!. Or *ahem* you know, something like that. 

Do you have Nomophobia? Will a bit of a Flog help???

How to FlogYoBlog

1. Follow Where's My Glow?
2. Bow down at the alter of Mummy Time; Blog-goddess, all round groovy gal and creator of FYBF
3. Grab the FYBF button and post it on your sidebar or in the post you're linking up
4. Link in your favourite/best post from the week (don't just put your homepage URL)
5. Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger then be nice and spread the comment love

<center><a href="http://www.wheresmyglow.com/search/label/FlogYoBlog"><img src="http://i695.photobucket.com/albums/vv316/mummy-time/FlogYoBlog/flogyoblog-1.jpg " border="0" alt="FYBF" /></a> </center>

get the InLinkz code

Super Easy Creamy Chicken Riga-Tricky

This is the lucky last recipe of my week of scheduled Gourmet Glow posts (that were so rudely interrupted by my post on our horrid holiday home experience).

See, I was offered the chance to win sponsorship to BlogHer by whipping up some recipes using the new Kellogg's All Bran Fibre Toppers, so I've jumped at the chance. The opportunity to win a trip to New York to attend BlogHer by writing about some recipes I've created using a product that adds fibre plus vitamins and minerals to your diet? I CAN DO THAT! I'm a crunchy mama, this stuff is right up my alley and since I'm loving experimenting with cooking lately, it seems like this competition was made for me. You can check out all the recipes submitted by searching the #AllBran hashtag on twitter.

So back to my recipe - what do you serve for dinner when you want a home cooked meal but are too tired to put in much effort beyond a bit of grabbing things out the pantry and stirring? Chicken Riga-Tricky!

This is one of those great dishes that is so simple because it's based on pantry staples and whatever veggies you happen to have on hand. It's also great to make at the end of the week to get clear out all the veggies that are almost passed their prime in the fridge so that you don't throw it all out and waste it.

Tricky loves this stuff and it's on pretty high rotation at our place! Because it freezes so well, I always make a large batch and divide it up for Map Guy's lunches and last week made up a batch for my friend who has just had a new baby. Plus it only uses one pot and and one pan so it's definitely a winner!

Creamy Chicken Riga-Tricky

Can't really see the Fibre Toppers - they are in there though!

Ingredients (serves 6)

• 500g chicken, diced
• 500g rigatoni 
• 1 onion, chopped
• 150g spinach
• 5 mushrooms, sliced
• 1/2 zucchini, sliced
• 1 jar of pasta sauce
• 1/2 tub of reduced fat cream cheese
• 1/2 cup of Kellogg's All Bran Fibre Toppers (which contains 33% of your daily fibre requirement!)
• 1 teaspoon of chilli (optional) 

 

Method

• Prepare pasta according to directions and set aside - don't overcook it or it will be Chicken Riga-Flatty
• Cook onion and chicken in a large fry pan until well browned
• Add mushrooms and zucchini, fry gently for two minutes
• Pour the entire jar of pasta sauce and stir until well coated
• Add handfuls of spinach allowing it to wilt - if you put it all in at once it will go every or *ahem* so I've heard
• Stir in the cream cheese allowing it to melt and turn the sauce from a bright red to a creamy orange
• If you're going to add chilli, do it now! I like mine to have a nice kick  
• Add in your Fibre Toppers now so they retain some of their crunch, if you do it too early they'll dissolve a bit and won't be visible in your photo (d'oh!) but you'll still get the nutritional value from them so don't panic
• Combine the sauce and the rigatoni, stir through and serve as is or with shaved Parmesan on top

**For a lower fat version you can just leave out the cream cheese and throw in a few olives**

Click here to see a nutritional panel I created for this meal - I should get points for the effort of making one of these panels, right??
This is NOT a sponsored post, but it is a competition entry for Kellogg's to win sponsorship to BlogHer

Fabulous Focaccia

I've definitely been bitten by the baking bug... sadly I haven't been bitten by the 'clean up as you go bug' or the 'don't eat everything you cook' bug. But hey, I'm working on it.

I tend to only bake sweet things so figured it was about time I gave something savoury a whirl, and I was so happy with the result that I think this will become a standard brunch around these parts - well, if I ever had people over for brunch that is.

I raided the cupboard and used what I already had on hand and threw it all in to see what would happen - which for a control freak like me is really strange, but seems to be working well so far!

Tomato, Red Onion & Thyme Focaccia

Olive, Fetta & Cumin Focaccia

Focaccia Ingredients (makes 2 focaccia)

• 2 tsp dried yeast
• 1 tsp raw sugar
• 1 3/4 cups warm water
• 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
• 3 3/4 cups bakers flour (or plain flour)
• 1/4 cup gluten flour
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 tsp dried aniseed (optional)
• 1/2 cup of Kellogg's All Bran Fibre Toppers (1/2 cup contains 25% of your daily iron and folate, and 33% of your daily fibre requirement)

 Toppings

• 1/2 tomato, sliced
• 1/4 red onion, sliced
• 1/2 tsp dried thyme (1 tsp if fresh)
• 4 kalamatta olives, sliced
• 25g fetta (I prefer to crumble it, but only had the harder stuff to slice)
• 1/4 tsp dried cumin

Method

• Combine yeast, sugar and 1/2 cup of warm water and allow it to bubble up before adding the oil and remaining water, set aside
• Sift both flours in to a large mixing bowl, add in aniseed and Fibre Toppers and make sure it's well combined

• Add the yeast mix to the flour mix and stir with a wooden spoon until you get a dough - it will be really sticky
• Cover with a damp teatowel and allow to rest for an hour in a warm place (I always use the back seat of my car!)
• Dough should double in size and will still be extremely sticky so use well floured hands (or a bit of melted copha) to halve the mixture and place on to lined baking trays, shaping as you go, but not too much - keep it rustic
• Brush with a little extra virgin olive oil and place sliced tomato, onion and thyme on one, and fetta, olives and cumin on the other
• Allow to sit for a further 15 minutes (which I *ahem* kinda forgot to do but they still worked out, phew!)
• Bake at 220C for 10-15 minutes or until golden brown
• When cooked, allow to cool for a few minutes on a wire rack to prevent the bottom going soggy and voila!

 

  The Fibre Toppers and aniseed can be seen scattered throughout the dough

I served thin slices of both of these before a pasta dish (come back tomorrow for that one) in place of garlic bread as a healthier option. You could serve it with dip for a brunch, but there is enough flavour packed in to these that you really don't need anything else with them!

So I guess I should have a brunch now, yes? Who's coming?

Click here to see a nutritional panel I created for the base focaccia minus toppings - see that? I can make nutritional panels now!!!

This is NOT a sponsored post, but it is a competition entry for Kellogg's to win
sponsorship to BlogHer - I'll tell you about it tomorrow!

Holiday Home Hell

Map Guy decided he wanted to stay in a beach shack for a week for his birthday. A week away from the world where my main decision was beach or nap? Hrmmm, lemme think. Hells yes!

A bloke at his work rents out his house in Jurien Bay, about two hours north of Perth. A holiday house where you have to bring your own linen and food but cutlery and crockery is provided. I can manage that.

The problems started as soon as we arrived today. We’d asked if we could take our dog and the bloke said sure thing. Now I don’t know about you, but when someone says that yes, the property allows dogs, it does tend to make me think that the property is actually suitable for dogs.

Nup.

We get here to find there is no fucking fence. Are you kidding me? We can bring our dog but you have a giant open yard. Gee, thanks for letting us know.

A quick trip to the hardware store for bright orange plastic fencing and yellow star pickets and now the house looks like a cross between a danger zone and roadworks. All I need is for the bloke next door to lean on the fence with a smoke and a stop go lollipop and you could hardly tell the difference.

So we grab our stuff and head on inside to find, even after a day of cleaning (my inlaws got there the day before) the place is utterly repulsive. Um, I thought this was a holiday house?? Apparently we’re the first people to use it as such – it’s normally a place where they stay when they come up on fishing weekends. A bunch of blokes + fishing + beer = vomitus.

I cannot describe how disgusting this place is… it is covered in mouse poo. On the floor, on the beds, all through the shower, all over the plates, pots, pans and cutlery. Even after a day of being aired out, it stinks like mouse wee – I didn’t even know what mouse wee smelled like until today! The grime on the floor is so thick that you must wear your shoes at all times – you could try to clean it – we did – but there is no point. Years of neglect mean the filth is practically stuck down. I have visions of CSI people coming here and finding all sorts of nasty shit.

Window sill in our bedroom - that's all mouse shit

Shitty cutlery... literally

I opened the oven door and quickly closed it. I’m pretty sure there is something living in there. There is a lot of fur, so maybe it’s a rogue possum? I’d guess it’s a mid 90s model and I don’t think it’s ever been cleaned. How am I meant to cook this week? The whole point of getting a holiday house rather than a hotel was because it would be a home away from home.

The white stuff is all furry - so maybe an albino rogue possum

And now, that night has fallen? There are flying bugs and cockroaches coming out of every nook.

I’m not sure what I was expecting. Not the Hilton, but at least something that doesn’t leave your feet black after walking across the room. Something where I don’t feel the need to dip my entire body in bleach after being inside for 10 minutes. Something that, oh, I dunno, isn’t a biological fucking hazard.

Luckily some loser left these behind they have "provided" these

I just want to cry. But, seeing as my inlaws are sitting right next to me, and I will no doubt hyperventilate if I break the flood gates, I will keep it together and instead scull my wine. Because we all know that being shit faced is way classier than red nosed, snotty, ugly crying.

At this point I’m not really sure what is going to happen. A beautiful, generous friend, who’s family also has a house up here has offered it to us, free of charge, to save our little holiday - I just have to convince the others, who are quite used to camping and roughing it, that we need to leave. I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of my friend, who even started a #saveglowsholiday hash tag… but tonight? Tonight I have to put my sheets on the crusty mouse poo mattress and cry in to my pillow.

To be continued… unless the mice eat me in the middle of the night.

Cranberry and Macadamia Balls

My tastebuds have staged a revolution.

Food that I previously avoided are fast becoming staples in my pantry; olives, soft cheeses, chilli and more. Before you ask, no, I'm not pregnant, it's just that my palate is 'maturing' (just my palate, not my sense of humour).

Since my introduction to cheese not long ago, I've loved to have a little Camembert cheese as a snack, but find having it with just crackers a little bit boring. So I decided I'd try my hand at some gourmet treats to accompany the soft, gooey goodness.

Cranberry and Macadamia Balls

Ingredients (makes 30/serves 10)

• 200g dried cranberries
• 85g of unsalted macadamia nuts
• 1/2 cup of shredded coconut
• 1/2 cup of Kellogg's All Bran Fibre Toppers (which is 10g of dietary fibre, right there!)
• 3/4 cup of 99% fat free condensed milk
• extra coconut for rolling

Method

• In a food processor (or with a knife and a lot of elbow grease) blitz the cranberries until they are finely diced, remove and put in a large mixing bowl with half of the Fibre Toppers
• Then blitz the macadamia nuts and the remaining half of the Fibre Toppers in the food processor, and add to the mix - don't do it too much or you'll end up with macadamia butter!
• Add in the shredded coconut and combine until you have a gorgeous, multi coloured mix
• Pour in the condensed milk and stir until evenly distributed

Condensed milk - try not to dip your finger in!

• Using a teaspoon, scoop out the mixture and roll in to small balls, dredge in coconut and place in the refrigerator to firm for 10 minutes

 

These can also be made with any dried fruit you like - I've made them with apricot and they were a massive hit! Because they're quite sweet, you only need serve two or three to each person along with cheese, crackers and nice glass of wine for a perfect snack adult snack.

Who's joining me? It's BYOW. 

Click here to see the nutritional panel I created for these - they're not as bad as you think

This is NOT a sponsored post, but it is a competition entry for Kellogg's to win sponsorship to BlogHer

FlogYoBlog Friday: The Flogiversary Edition

Hey-ho Floggers!

Today marks one year since I first became the foster mama to this lil ol' thing called The Flog. OK so it's tomorrow but near enough is good enough, right? Right!

Now if you're in the UK the traditional pressie for knocking up one year is cotton, in the US it was paper and more recently has become clocks. I'm hoping someone will send me a clock made of paper with a cotton bow on it, just to cover all bases.

It's been an amazing year and I've loved putting my own slant on the Flog by having an edition each week - I hope you've enjoyed it too because then it makes the frantic Thursday night "OMG WTF am I going to write" all worth it.

The Flog isn't mine forever... I think someone called DOCS and is getting my foster license (or whatever it is that you have to have) revoked. So stick around and see what happens.

Enough speculation though, let's Flog.

How to FlogYoBlog

1. Follow Where's My Glow?
2. Bow down at the alter of Mummy Time; Blog-goddess, all round groovy gal and creator of FYBF
3. Grab the FYBF button and post it on your sidebar or in the post you're linking up
4. Link in your favourite/best post from the week (don't just put your homepage URL)
5. Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger then be nice and spread the comment love

<center><a href="http://www.wheresmyglow.com/search/label/FlogYoBlog"><img src="http://i695.photobucket.com/albums/vv316/mummy-time/FlogYoBlog/flogyoblog-1.jpg " border="0" alt="FYBF" /></a> </center>

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Pistachio Dukkah Chicken Schnitzel

You will not find me on any of the reality cooking shows going around at the moment - I cannot cook like that yet. The meals I cook, while delicious (if I do say so myself) are never extravagant towering masterpieces that have been "plated up".

Rather, they're simple home cooked meals placed on a plate and put in front of a hungry family after a long day of toddler wrangling and working from home, right on arsenic hour. It has to be easy, healthy(ish), something the three of us will all enjoy and preferably not use 18 different pans that I then have to wash up.

I like being a 'Crunchy Mama' and cooking from scratch because I know exactly what is going in to our bodies, but now... well after this recipe I come with added crunch!

Pistachio Dukkah Chicken Schnitzel 

Ingredients (serves 2)

• 2 skinless chicken breasts
• 1 piece of bread (I used a country grain mix but it doesn't matter)
• 1/2 cup of Kellogg's All Bran Fibre Toppers (which contains 33% of your daily fibre needs plus 25% of your daily iron, folate and vitamins B1 and B2!)
  
• 25g of pistachio dukkah
• 1 egg, beaten

 Method

• In a food processor (or chop by hand if you don't have one) blitz the bread and Fibre Toppers until they combine in to look like big, crunchy bread crumbs - don't over do it, you want most of the Fibre Toppers to remain whole otherwise you'll loose the crunch!
• Stir the dukkah evenly through the mix and place it all on a large plate (place a bowl of fruit in the background for the extra health benefits)

Added crunch

• Dip your chicken breasts in to the egg and then in to the mix, pressing the crumbs on firmly to coat the entire surface
• Cook for 15 minutes over medium heat in a little extra virgin olive oil, turning once, or until golden brown and crunchy (alternatively you can bake them for 30 minutes, or until golden brown, in a 200C oven).
• Serve with a side salad of mixed lettuce, red onion and beetroot strips, and sprinkle a few extra Fibre Toppers over it for some extra crunch
• Freeze any leftover crumb mixture and use within 3 months

Putting one piece of chicken on an angle is plating up, yes?

So, who's coming to dinner at my place?

Click here to see a nutritional panel I created for this

This is NOT a sponsored post, but it is a competition entry for Kellogg's to win sponsorship to BlogHer!

Pimp My Con

Yo. Sup?

Now don't be gettin' all up in ma face about ma new way of talkin'. I be the shiz and can talk however I damn well please. Ya dig?

Oh dear lawd it's painful to talk like that!!!

So. I'm gonna do some serious pimping of DPCON12 because it's almost here! In order to do said pimping, I gotta look the part, right:

Ahh that's better. Suits me, yes? You can call me Glowalicious.

And the fabulous team: Kirrily "Ma Grillz" Whatman, Brenda "Bling Bling" Gaddi and Maria "Sparkle Eyes" Tedeschi:

We're a pretty bunch, yes?

We have been working our butts off (yet mine is still expanding) to bring you an awesome conference and it's looking absolutely brilliant so far!

I'm so excited to hear the speakers, especially those jumping up for My Blog, My Story - last year I bawled my eyes out so this year I am coming prepared with tissues (hidden in my feather boa, of course) so that I don't have to have snot up my sleeve again.Or perhaps pimps use silk handkerchiefs? I'll have to look in to this further.

Because I'm an attention whore a go-getter, I'll be jumping up on stage during dinner and hosting an open mic where you can get up and read out one of your best blog posts from the last year. HOW COOL! If you want to be part of it you can email me at trae@digitalparentsconference.com.au (come on, you know you want to).

There are less than a handful of tickets left so vamoose! You get a full access pass to the conference panels a choice of workshops, admission to the expo room (my domain!), the chill out room, morning and afternoon tea, lunch (nom nom I've seen the menu) and the fabulous dinner dance where there will be dinner and dancing (duh!) and you get to meet me.

Will I see you there? You'll recognize me cos I'll be the one dressed as a pimp.

I Love Myself Linky #GlowsValentines

Happy Valentines Day and welcome to the I Love Myself Linky!

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write a Valentine's Day post featuring something you love about yourself and why. Got great legs? A sharp wit? Awesome craft skills? Good ear for music? Fabulous negotiating skills? Whatever it is, it has to be something about yourself that you L-O-V-E!

Throughout the day I'll be tweeting the links of those who linky up with the #GlowsValentines hashtag so keep an eye out!

So grab a button and link up!

<center><a href="http://www.wheresmyglow.com/search/label/GlowsValentines"><img src="http://i968.photobucket.com/albums/ae167/Glowless/GlowsValentines_1-1.jpg" border="0" alt="GlowsValentines" /></a> </center>

Dear Glowless

Dear Glowless,

Happy Valentine's Day!

A little bird told me (no, not Twitter, though it could've been, you're on there so much) that you're feeling a bit down at the moment so I just wanted to tell you that you are amazing. Awesome, even.

You don't believe me, I know. But it's true.

I'm so proud of you for going out and enrolling in the cake decorating course you've been eyeing off for over ten years. You finally took the first step and I know it took a lot of guts because you're so afraid to fail. You're petrified the gorgeous creations in your head won't be interpreted by your hands and the finished result will look lame... and that people will think less of you.

But you know what? Even if it's not perfect, it'll be great. Because you tried when you didn't know what the result would be, and for you, that's a big thing. HUGE.

And that's what I love about you... well, about me. Because if you haven't guessed, we're the same person. Confused yet? Yeah me too. I love that even when you are so afraid and so anxious you can barely breathe, that you'll push through and do it anyway to try and get yourself out of a slump.

So, Miss Glowless, when you're unsure of the path ahead, take small steps, one foot in front of the other, and feel your way... fuck knows you can't even see where you're going right now so it's the only way to get there. And you will get there.

Go gently,

Love Glow xxx

Join the linky here!

FlogYoBlog Friday: The #GlowsValentines Edition

Happy (really early) Valentine's Day, Floggers.

In four days time it's the one day of the year where, if you're in a relationship, you're expected to spend a shite load of money "proving" you love someone, and if you're not in a relationship, you get to look around and see all the other couples engaging in disgusting public displays of affection and being made to feel like a second class citizen for being single.

I say screw 'em. I suggest we boycott the day. Well, not entirely... I'm suggesting (and hoping you'll get on board or I'll look like a complete loser the way I did last time I invited people to post on my wall and ONLY ONE PERSON DID) that we shake things up a bit. What I'll be hosting on Tuesday February 14th is a "I Love Myself Linky". You can write a post, write on my Facebook Wall, take a picture with Instagram and Tweet using the #GlowsValentines hashtag, a reason you love yourself.

It might be a personality trait, a skill, a body part, whatever. But it's a way of saying Happy Valentines day to the most important person in your life. YOU (nawwww how completely sucky but completely true). Whatever it is about you, no matter how big or small, that makes you think "You know what, I'm pretty awesome".

If you can't think of one, ASK SOMEONE ELSE! So many people see the awesome inside of ourselves when we can't. Go on, I dare you. ASK. I'll be asking Map Guy and be using it as a way to climb out of the Emo Pit I find myself in right now.

I hope you'll join me. Not only so you can have fun thinking of ways that you're awesome, but so that I don't look like a tool.

But for now, let's Flog.

How to FlogYoBlog

1. Follow Where's My Glow?
2. Bow down at the alter of Mummy Time; Blog-goddess, all round groovy gal and creator of FYBF
3. Grab the FYBF button and post it on your sidebar or in the post you're linking up
4. Link in your favourite/best post from the week (don't just put your homepage URL)
5. Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger then be nice and spread the comment love

<center><a href="http://www.wheresmyglow.com/search/label/FlogYoBlog"><img src="http://i695.photobucket.com/albums/vv316/mummy-time/FlogYoBlog/flogyoblog-1.jpg " border="0" alt="FYBF" /></a> </center>

get the InLinkz code

Get your shit together

I really need to get my shit together, I'm 30 now, no excuses.

In the last few weeks days I've gone totally emo. I've been eating everything in sight and taking mopey, arty farty self-portraits. I've even been posting attention seeking, pathetic tweets in the hope that someone would say "you're not a completely worthless person". I phished for compliments... I hate it when people do that. Loathe it. Get over yourself, I think, see a bloody therapist and stop filling up my Twitter stream with your emo ramblings.

I am nothing if not a grade A hypocrite.

I am extroverted, in the true sense of the word. It doesn't necessarily mean a bright and bubbly, outgoing person, though I can be (Oscar worthy acting, remember? Meryl Streep took lessons from me), it means I rely on the energy of those around me. Being alone with my thoughts sends me in to a tailspin. I don't like my own company, never have. Perhaps it's why when I retreat, it's to Twitter... you're never alone when you have Twitter (spoken like a true geek).

I don't just take on the positive energy of those around me, but the negative as well. I soak in their emotions, like a warm bath, until I'm pruney, overwhelmed and feeling utterly hopeless. Their issues become my problems. Their loss becomes my heartache. Their desperation becomes my depression.

Part of myself that I hate, is the inability to compartmentalize and differentiate between myself and others. I don't just take on someone's emotions but I take on their personality as well. If I'm around you long enough, I start being you. That freaks the fuck out of a lot of people (not that I blame them, it would freak me out too), so, as a result, I keep my distance. Which means I'm back to my own, warped thoughts to keep me company.

It's a morose not-so-merry-go-round of trying to be near people then running away so I don't get too close. A tightrope balancing act that I'm yet to master, and there's no bloody net underneath to catch me. I'm sure there's a few more circus metaphors in there but I can't think of them right now.

Alcohol and twitter have become my crutch. Don't like your own thoughts? Go and read someone elses or drink until your own thoughts slur and you can no longer understand them. My saving grace is that Tricky is still breastfeeding and I know he'll be awake and wanting milk bright and early the next morning... but it kinda freaks me out that that is the only thing stopping me from completely annihilating myself some nights.

I've been actively encouraging him to wean lately, and it's partly so I can have my body back and put in it whatever I want, whenever I want to excessive levels. Who does that? Seriously. Sorry, kid, you can't have this nutritious, antibody filled liquid gold any more cos mama needs to get trashed.

So no, I don't have my shit together, not by a long shot. But, if I put edible glitter in my wine, then at least my shit sparkles. I'm like a goddamn unicorn or something.

 

Don't panic. Tomorrow I'll post a recipe and we can forget this ever happened. As you were.

FlogYoBlog Friday: The Palmcard Edition

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Butterscotch Self-Saucing Puddings

For some reason I get the urge to bake when my cupboards are bare and it's after hours so I can't run out to the shops to buy sugar/milk/eggs. It's also the reason why I tend to make up my own recipes and substitute ingredients because sometimes, well, you just need dessert.

This is what happened last night when I had a sudden urge for pudding. I didn't have any golden syrup left having used it all making three tonnes of gingerbread at Christmas... so I substituted honey and just hoped that it wouldn't taste awful.

The result? Divine! I don't think I'm even going to bother making this the 'real' way because these were soooo good.

Butterscotch Self-Saucing Puddings

Ingredients:

• 1 cup self-raising flour, sifted
• 1/3 cup brown sugar
• 65g margarine or butter, melted
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1 egg
• 2 tbsp honey or golden syrup
• 1 1/4 cup boiling water

Method:

• Combine flour and 1 tbsp of the sugar in a bowl. In a separate bowl, whisk melted margarine, egg and milk until combined then pour in to flour and stir til mixed
• Divide mixture in to four greased ramekins and sprinkle remaining brown sugar evenly over the top of each one
• Combine boiling water with honey and gently pour over each of the puddings - if you pour over a spoon it will prevent the sugar being displaced and the batter rising up in globs
• Place on a tray (lined in case they bubble over) and put in the oven at 180C (160C fan forced) for 25 minutes

Like magic, the liquid goes to the bottom and the pudding rises to the top - It's quite possibly voodoo so be careful. I take no responsibility if your pudding decides to poke pins in a doll version of you.

I know it will be hard, but let the puddings sit for a few minutes for the sauce to thicken up - this is also a handy tip should you wish for the skin on the inside of your mouth to stay there.

They'd taste really good with vanilla icecream... but I didn't have any of that either. I'll never be a bloody food blogger without staples like these in my house!