Welcome to the first in an ongoing series of How Not To Ruin Your Marriage posts, complete with button. Yay for buttons!
Being married for all of four years of course makes me an expert in such matters, just as being a mother for a millisecond means I can give advice for all sorts of parenting dilemmas, and a ten day trip to Thailand means I'm qualified to preach Buddhism.
In today's lesson we're going to learn how not to speak to your wife when it comes to weight and shape, with an example from the delicious yet at times dickheaded, Map Guy, plucked straight out of our Easter weekend.
Read. Cringe. Enjoy. Laugh. But most of all, share this with your husbands and partners so that they may learn.
___ . . . ___ . . . ___
Me: I'm always going to have a bit of a pot belly, I've had a baby, half of it's stretched skin
Map Guy: Yeah, just look at Miranda Kerr and Heidi Klum's pot bellies... oh wait.
Me: *DEATH STARE*
Map Guy: What I meant was...
Me: *DEATH STARE*
Map Guy: They're obviously genetic freaks...
Me: Lemme get you a shovel so you can dig that hole a little deeper
Map Guy: Um.... I love you?
Me: Fuck off and die
What would you have done? Grounds for justifiable homicide?
If you'd like your idiocy to be included in a How Not To Ruin Your Marriage lesson email glowless@wheresmyglow.com. Where's My Glow doesn't discriminate between idiots, so you don't have to actually be married or even straight to submit.
I would of killed him! never ever bring up Mirander Kerr or Heidi Klum to pregnant or post pregnant woman.. or any woman really!
ReplyDeletePal is fond of telling anyone who will listen that my number one most said phrase in the home is: "Do you WANT to die?"
ReplyDeleteHe thinks it reflects badly, in a funny way, on me.
Poor Pal.
Map Guy, I really only have one thing to say: "Do you WANT to die?"
I am working on my third marriage of 4 years or more so I am really a qualified expert. I would have recognized the "I'm so ft set up" and immediatly said "I don't think you have a pot belly, I hate skinny women, you look perfect to me!"
ReplyDeleteI know that's already failed me three times, I havn't got a clue for map guy. There is no correct response.
Cranky Old Man
oh dear.... i hope he doesn't think he'll be getting lucky anytime soon :)
ReplyDeleteMr Black is really bad with compliments too. I mean he told ME I need to look at eating better because I was putting on weight. Me!
ReplyDeleteThen again, I am fond of calling him old man, and making fun of him. So I guess I shouldn't dish out what I can't hack.
Oh. My. Gawd. I could fill your blog with Husbands moments of trying to destroy our relationship!! If only I had written down every one of them from the past 20 years.... Let's just say I sing "this is the way we dig our hole, dig our hole, dig our hole....." more times per week than there is days!
ReplyDeleteYou hit it on the head with "There is no correct response". Which means, always try the silent no response tactic first.... even if you do get a death stare, you have survived a couple of minutes more than you would have....
ReplyDeleteWhen will men learn that sometimes it's best to stay silent?
ReplyDeletemine said something similar but covered with 'but honey we ARE BOTH FAT'
ReplyDeleteOh yes he did...
I look
ReplyDeleteforward in reading this series; it sounds amazing. Thanks for the review and
giveaway. This sounds like a pretty cool series! Forms
Cannot find purported button.. Disappointed.
ReplyDeleteOn another note - when asked a variant of the "am I fat?" questions, I always... ALWAYS... laugh and say that I'm not about to trap myself in the jaws of that setup!
Rookie error Map Guy. Rookie error...
ReplyDeleteIt was a real fun to read that piece of writing. I can't wait to see your next bright publication.
ReplyDeleteBahaha...."the delicious yet at times dickheaded" - you are so controlled in your description Oh Glowing One. MOFO owes you at least one diamond for that. Roll up a newspaper and smack him on the nose, while reprimanding him "No...No....Bad..."
ReplyDeleteI have been saying this to Map Guy all day!!! After a few he said "Who is this Daisy person, I need to tell her off for teaching you that!"
ReplyDeleteThere are some name that shouldn't be mentioned, ALL SUPERMODELS are on that list!
ReplyDeleteWell that's just it, there is no correct answer. It wasn't a set up, I was saying how I liked that I was losing weight!
ReplyDeleteIt's all about accentuating the positive :)
ReplyDeleteHehehe not likely!!!
ReplyDeleteDear Miss Skinny Minny Pink,
ReplyDeleteMr Black is blind. And a bit of a douche sometimes.
Love Glow x
Email me!!!
ReplyDeleteYes, the one time when the strong silent stereotype is actually a good thing :P
ReplyDeleteCos that makes it totally OK...
ReplyDeleteThis fills me with hope that maybe after another 4 years he won't say it... yes?
ReplyDeleteThe little logo I made is called a button, it'll be on every How Not To Ruin Your Marriage post :)
ReplyDeleteCheers :)
ReplyDeleteBaaad Map Guy, baaaad! In the dog house!
ReplyDeleteOhhhh ok. I clicked on that and it just brought up a seperate window with that pic in it. I guess it did exactly what it was meant to :)
ReplyDeleteAlso I'm fairly sure that my wife could fill several blog pages for you with examples of me inserting my foot into my gob! Like I'd need to tell you that though hahaha! Speaking of, she has 2wks break from tafe so if you want to catch up we should be free :)
Oh. My. God.
ReplyDeletehahahahaha. At least he tried to back pedal. There's a glimpse of "I love you" and "giving a shit" in there even with his boot in his mouth (or was that your boot?)
ReplyDeleteWhen will they ever learn??? Mine thinks a smile after the comment will keep him safe.....not likely!
ReplyDeleteA couple of times during my pregnancy my Mr Tactful has pointed out that my belly doesn't actually look that big because of the size of my thighs/bum balances it out, and how cool it is to finally see my body in proportion. He quickly tries to retreat by saying 'but you know I love your butt', but never actually learns and trots the same lines out a few weeks later.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, awesome post. Rachel x
ReplyDeleteI like to say that my pot belly is because of my kids, but truth be told I always had it! So it's definitely not going anywhere. Map Guy was cruising for a bruising.
ReplyDeleteOh when will they learn!! Map Guy, may I suggest presents. Lots of them. Little "surprises" to get you back into the good books again. Given it's Friday, a nice bottle of wine may be a good start. xo
ReplyDeleteOh, Map Guy! BIG mistake! My hubs is much the same, though, he often doesn't realise he's stepping on thin ice. Or he does and thinks it's funny and goes further. I think I too will start adopting Daisy's line, my threats of punching him in the nose have yet to help.
ReplyDeleteThat's funny! I'll never forget one day my ex compared me to his 18 yr old girlfriend, to my face, while we were still married! I've been happily divorced for 10 years and could prob write a book on how to ruin your marriage. Step 1. Get married...
ReplyDeleteMy husband grabbed my baby pooch the other day and asked, "When are we having this one?"
ReplyDeleteHe barely made it out alive...
Lol. My husband would've gotten a death stare as well if he so much as looked at my tummy.
ReplyDeleteHave I told you how cute your sister is?
ReplyDeleteOh dear ... is Map Guy even allowed to share the same bed with you after that one? Seriously, even a slightly-dickheaded husband should know after 4 years that supermodels and one's own partner's weight/looks should never be mentioned.
ReplyDeletePoor fellow could not able to control his Feelings like me ! :P
ReplyDeletehttp://www.sampleforms.net/