10 Reasons why I'm deleting your email

Oh look! My Cranky Pants are back!!

I get a lot of emails. Usually a few hundred a day, over three accounts. There's the handful from friends, library notifications, some writing briefs and some PR stuff. Only about 30 emails of the few hundred are worth reading - the rest, well, they're all crap... and most of them I delete without more than a glance.

So I've put together this list so that you know why I never replied to your email. You're welcome.

10 Reasons Why I'm Deleting Your Email

1. You say you've just finished reading a particular post and thoroughly enjoyed it and would like to place paid links in it... really? It was about domestic violence and the murder of twin babies. Enjoy isn't really a word I'd associate with reading that kind of material. 
2. Your opening line is how much you love my blog and you mention your favourite post by name. If you'd looked closer, and not just selected a random title, then you'd realize that was a guest post that I DIDN'T WRITE. What makes it worse is that maybe that is your favourite post on my site... gee, way to dent my ego, asshole.
3. You have sent me a press release asking me to write about your massive multi national company, with multi million dollar advertising budget and when I reply with my ad fees you say you have no budget for blogs.
4. You address your email "Hi there" "Dear Where's" "Dear Mrs My Glow?" or, my personal favourite "Dear Jackie". I have a pseudonym, use it. I also have a name that is now on the public record and really not that hard to find - when you use that you REALLY get my attention.
5. You're trying to get me to buy something, usually a penis enlarger or Viagra, but for some reason you think that by spelling it V1agra and Pen1s to circumvent my spam filter, that I won't actually realize and click through. I may not have completed my degree but I'm not that dumb.
6. You have asked me to promote your dating website for disabled lesbian Mongolian figure skaters living in Uruguay. Last time I checked, my readership in Uruguay wasn't too high so I'm going to pass on that, thanks all the same.
7. You're kindly letting me know I have inherited $3.2 million after a long lost relative I don't know of has died and to access it will only cost $3000. Now that I'm over the shock of learning my seventh cousin has suddenly passed away, lemme think... errr, no. 
8. You start your email "Dear lovely new friend" and go on to tell me you like the look of my photo on the blog, would like to move to Australia and marry me, then sign it from Susie. Thanks for looking at my photo and thinking I'm a bloke... unless you're gay in which case I hate to inform you the politicians still haven't gotten off their bigoted asses to make it legal yet.
9. Your from name is "PerfectlyLegal". If that doesn't ring alarm bells I don't know what does.
10. I forgot all about it, took too long to respond so just deleted it. At this moment my brain closely resembles mushy peas (though I will guess slightly less green) and I have a to-do list as long as a really long armed person's my arm. For some reason I would prefer to be seen as a rude bitch than a scatterbrain... though I suppose the secret is out now, huh?

Aaaaand special bonus number 11: If it's a chain email. No, I will not forward it on to five friends to prevent the apocalypse!

Why do you delete emails?