Anniversaries
Later this week it will be four years since Map Guy and I tied the knot in front of our family and friends.
We're not really in to the whole gift giving thing for anniversaries, probably because we're both really stingey. Instead we like to do something nice for each other like cook a special dinner and have a candle lit bath.
To commemorate these four fabulous years, I've come up with some tips and tricks that will help you choose the anniversary gift for your significant other so that they won't be heading for the divorce lawyer's office the next day.
Tips for HIM
Do: Surprise her with a lovely night in a hotel
Don't: Surprise her with a lovely night in a hotel and not organize a babysitter
Do: Make a romantic dinner of her favourite meal
Don't: Make a romantic dinner of her favourite meal and leave her to do the dishes all alone
Do: Massage her aching shoulders
Don't: Massage her aching shoulders while digging your erection in to her back
Do: Get her something she's always wanted, like a charm bracelet or a pair of earrings
Don't: Get her something you've always wanted her to have, like the instructional DVD 'The Ultimate Guide to Blow Jobs'
Do: Give her a stunning pearl necklace
Don't: Give her a stunning pearl necklace and then waggle your eyebrows and say you'll give her another one later
Tips for HER
Do: Put out
Don't: Not put out
What do you get your spouse for your anniversary?
Do: get her excited by dropping hints about the fabulous and personally meaningful gift you have picked out especially for her
ReplyDeleteDo not: make that "fabulous" gift a newspaper from her date of birth. Even if it does come in a ridiculously large ornamental display folder. And do not act surprised if it is never actually displayed, but instead kept in the cupboard under the stairs. At her mother's. Interstate.
I didn't actually know there was such a thing as a massage without additional poke. I've never had one, even from the "lady" who massaged me in Thailand. Who knew! Your public service announcements rock, Glow.
It's our 4 year anniversary of when we first met (only anniversary we 'celebrate') on Wednesday.. and this morning, what's that? A surprise fucking visit from AF... Worthy of a FFS Friday or a Weekend Whine I think! Or both!
ReplyDeleteAh a massage without a poke in the back.... What a novel idea.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant tips :)
ReplyDeleteI have a book called the ultimate guide to fellatio. And its friend, the ultimate guide to cunnilingus. x
ReplyDeleteThis made me giggle so much. I will be sharing this with my hubby :)
ReplyDeleteThe massage? Oh Glow, when Mr black offers nowdays I say I will be right I'd much rather a trip to the beauticians. Massages do NOT turn me on, the help me fall asleep and if you leave me the fuck alone to sleep I may just put out the next night. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteHysterical.
ReplyDeleteEvery year I reveal something that my husband doesn't know about me. For instance, that I can play the clarinet. He didn't know, he was impressed. I think I need to start putting out.
ReplyDeleteDo: Actually take her on the suprise trip you've been saying you'd like to surprise her with for the last 11 years and never got round to! *insert eyeroll*
ReplyDeletelaughing and nodding. I'm writing up my guide to 20 years marriage but no need now you've covered it all in 4 years x
ReplyDeleteHeh heh, so true so true! Especially the aching shoulders one!
ReplyDeleteFor him...Do: Hold your wife following the *ahem* magical moment of the peaks of *ahem* ecstasy.Do not:
Hold your wife following the *ahem* magical moment of the peaks of *ahem* ecstasy and then fart.