An open letter to building companies

Dear Builders,

My husband and I (ooh I sound regal) are looking in to building a home or renovating our current one. We're doing this for a number of reasons:

1. We currently live in an oversized cupboard but with a big enough yard for a Shetland Pony
2. I'd like to have another sprog and don't particularly want to put them in the shed (although I suppose I could get a baby monitor)
3. I'm a whiney middle class white chick who doesn't realize how good she has it (What's that? You want TWO toilets full of clean water to wash your shit away?)

We've been to countless display homes these past few weeks and the vast majority of the time the first words to pop in to my head are not "Oh my, I simply must have this house!" but rather, "What the ever loving fuck?"

Now I'm pretty sure that wasn't what you were aiming for or you would have named your house "The Gob Smacker" not "The Retreat" or whatever you called it that was supposed to convey the idea that I'd be living in a resort despite the fact that I would have to clean it and there is a severe lack of room service.

Most of my problems with your designs are the bathrooms. Do I really need an ensuite which is three times the size of the main bathroom? The ensuite, by rights, is designed for a maximum of two people yet most are rivaling the size of my garage.

Also, I don't know about you, but I'm generally not an exhibitionist (said the girl with a blog). It's blatantly obvious that your designers are though! Do people really want windows from their shower cubicle in to the back yard? Or worse, from the shower cubicle in to the master bedroom? Now I'm as in to getting creative in the bedroom as the next person but my own peep show isn't high on the agenda. A gal needs a little privacy at times.

If possible, can you please push the budget to spare a door for that monstrous ensuite? As well as the whole I'm-not-a-stripper thing and the not wanting to be woken when my husband showers at 6am, I'd like to avoid my clothes becoming mildewy. Since you have to walk through a room-sized wardrobe to get to the shower in most of your designs, that's exactly what is going to happen. Maybe you could take the money you save by removing your "one sink per every person ever born" policy?

While I'm on the subject of doors, toilets need them. They also need to be made of materials that are not translucent. I can get over the fact that my kid walked straight in to the glass door and bumped his noggin, but I can't get over the fact that it's just plain gross and much more suited to a fetish film. Not only do I not want anyone to see me while I'm answering a call of nature, but I most definitely do not want to see anyone else answering said call. I deal with enough shit as it is, you know!

If you could clear up some of these issues and make me a nice, simple home with doors, storage and a bit of space for my kid to run around in without us all tripping over him, it would be much appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Glow x

Been in to a display home lately? What did you think?