The ten nursery rhymes that should be banned

Text my own. Original image modified via Creative Commons Sue Hasker.

Yesterday I heard the news that some Victorian (I mean the state, although you would be forgiven for thinking I was talking about the era) kindergartens were changing Baa Baa Black Sheep because the song had racial connotations (dear Google god please be a hoax). I'm assuming the black sheep chatted a bit to each other for a while about being targeted by four year olds everywhere and then started a change.org petition or something.

I say good on them. About bloody time. We can't have children thinking that they can call a sheep black just because it has black wool. COME ON.

But the more you look, the more you'll see all this horrid stuff we're teaching our kids. I've created a list of other nursery rhymes that I think should also be banned or altered before they ruin your children:

1. Ride a Cock Horse. Stop making children say cock. Kookaburra in the gumtree is no longer gay, he is fun, so this should obviously follow suit.
   
2. Humpty Dumpty. This is frightening to children when they learn he couldn't be put together again. It needs to be changed that he had microsurgery or some shit, learned to accept his scars and was welcomed back to the community despite his acquired brain injury.
   
3. Jack and Jill. Clear violation of OHS. I am on hold to WorkSafe as we speak.
   
4. Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater. Encourages domestic violence and the objectification of women. Call the Minister for Women to complain about this. Or, um, maybe someone who actually cares about the status of women.
   
5. Sing a Song of Sixpence. I've advised the RSPCA regarding my dissatisfaction that this song remains a kindy favourite. You're putting live birds in a pie and trying to cook them? SHAME ON YOU! Why would you encourage this shit?
   
6. Three Blind Mice. See above. Also, the woman is visually impaired, get it right. Hey, just quietly, kids who injure animals are more likely to go on and commit violent crimes. Stop singing about it for starters.
   
7. Bye Baby Bunting. This needs to be altered to make sure children know that the father has gone to set humane traps to curb the growth of feral rabbit populations that are harming the native flora and fauna after a longitudinal, independent, ecological survey found it was warranted.
   
8. Georgie Porgie. No means, no, jackass. We need to educate our girls from the get go (OK I actually mean this one).
   
9. There Was An Old Woman. Whip your starving children? According to this, it's just what is done.
   
10. It's Raining, It's Pouring. THE MAN IS CONCUSSED! He needs medical attention not a room full of brats singing about it.

But why stop there?

Black cannot be said out loud. Like, ever. At all. Why stop with the sheep? The colour formally known as Black can be called B or finklefuvel, or have some unpronounceable symbol or whatever. Because we need to teach our children that saying a colour is a bad thing mmkay?

What about black boards and white boards? OMG if the teacher favours one over the other... NOT GOOD! Everything will now just be verbalized and tough titties if you learn visually. (edit: I'm told they're now chalkboards and dry erase boards FFS!).

Snow White. Again racial connotations. Perhaps Snow Beige? Actually, I find beige pretty offensive, so that's out. Snow Rainbow?

Where is the Green Sheep? Why are you ostracizing Green Sheep now?! Is Green the new Black? I thought it was Orange?

I'M SO CONFUSED! Just ban EVERYTHING!

Tell me the PC stuff that shits you to tears.